Changing the World Child by Child

Esbehide wrote our FINAL entry. This is
Emma, the daughter of her friend, and she said,
"Although my best friend did not have the
most empathetic parents, he is doing a
great job taking care of this little bundle
of joy!"

            In the last chapter of Roots of Empathy, Mary Gordon summarizes the importance of teaching children emotional literacy. Gordon describes emotional literacy as the ability to discuss and comprehend one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Throughout the chapter, the author stresses the importance of emotional literacy for not only the person as self, but also for his or her contribution to society. Gordon believes that it is never too late to learn how to empathize and become more loving. She believes that this idea of emotional literacy is essential for social change, and is exactly what our society needs.

            I agree with the first half of the chapter where Gordon discusses the importance of emotional literacy in parents. Children need parents who are understanding, caring and emotionally supportive. Unfortunately, a lot of parents did not receive affection from their own parents as they were growing up, and as a result are not able to demonstrate affection for their children. This leads to an unhealthy cycle of parenting by people who do not possess emotional literacy. I am definitely not implying that every parent should be perfect and completely in touch with their feelings. However, it is necessary to have an emotionally healthy relationship with children, and in order to have a healthy relationship, we must first become aware and comfortable with our own emotions. I really liked that Gordon emphasized the idea that it is never too late for adults to get in touch with their emotions. And even adults who did not receive caring and loving support from their parents can learn to show affection to their children.

            I did not quite agree with the last part of the chapter, where Gordon disputes the idea of fostering competition in children. While describing competitive childhood games like musical chairs, Gordon states, “It is time to abandon the old games and create a game that is fair where no one loses.” She argues that competitive games teach children that there is always one winner in life, which results in a sense of hopelessness within the child. I do not completely agree with that idea. I believe that it is healthy to have a sense of competition. It drives you to strive for the best and to not settle for anything less. I believe that these traits are critical for a person to succeed in the world, and that our world needs people who possess these traits. I understand Gordon’s argument and although she makes very valid points, I do not believe that we should completely abandon the concept of competition. Like Gordon mentions in the chapter, it is very important for children to learn self-worth and self-appreciation, but it is also beneficial for them to learn the good traits of competition. It involves a balance that must be modeled by the parents. After a loss in a child’s baseball game, or any game, it is important that the parents talk to the child and explain that losing does not make you any less of a great person and there is always room for improvement.

            Overall, I truly enjoyed Mary Gordon’s book. Her program is very inspiring and makes a world of difference for children. I hope to hear more about her program and her writings.

Change

Gabby, the author of our second entry on chapter 15, is
pictured here with her sister, Destiny, and her mom. She
is the very cool child in sunglasses.

In Chapter 15, Changing the World Child by Child, Mary Gordon addressed the issue of Change.  Change in society, change in our ways of thinking, change in action, and implementing change with the most powerful tool of all: Empathy.   In our world, empathy is not a word that’s discussed often, let alone understood by the people who do not possess it.  Empathy is our ability to understand and relate to the feelings and viewpoints of others.  It is a quality that is lacking in today’s society.  I agree with Gordon when she says that our world is plagued by war and poverty, and little to no emphasis is being placed on children and the great possibilities that lie within them.  The Roots of Empathy program sees the potential for change in this world through the smallest people that inhabit it. 

This program sees the importance of teaching children to express their feelings and emotions in healthy ways.  Children are our future.  We must provide them with the best future possible, no matter what the cost.  Reading about this program was so enlightening.  I loved the fact that this program has allowed teachers to provide children with this excellent learning experience.  It allows for children to learn the importance of the parent child relationship, and learn positive life skills in the process.  One of the most moving things I encountered while reading this book was the reaction that children had to the baby, and the effect the baby had on children that seemed to be struggling.  Children who had never experienced love and affection were transformed when they had the opportunity to interact with the baby.  To think that some children never experience love growing up is very troublesome.

Growing up, my mom was my biggest role model.  She told me that I should always express myself, and stand up for what I believe in, no matter how “uncool” everyone else thought it may be.  I didn’t understand what empathy was until I got into high school.  Looking back on my early childhood, I was always the little girl in class who stood up for her friends, even if that meant not being part of the “popular” crowd.  One of my earliest memories of this was when I was about 7 years old, and I was participating in Girl Scouts.  At one of our troop meetings, our troop leaders informed us that we were going to have a Father-Daughter Dance, and that we had to bring our dads with us.  Because my parents had just gone through a divorce, I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to go because my dad wasn’t married to my mom anymore.  My parents later explained to me that their divorce wouldn’t stop my dad from going to my dance.  My best friend, Heather, was also in the same Girl Scout troop as me.  At our next Girl Scout meeting, some of the other girls were making fun of her for not having a dad.  Her dad had never been in her life, and the other girls were teasing her relentlessly about it.  I remember I went up to the girls and told them that it didn’t matter if she didn’t have her dad to take to the dance, because she was going to share my dad for the dance.  When my dad picked me up from my meeting, I remember asking him if he would take her to the dance with us, and of course he said yes.  Heather and I had such similar upbringings that I was able to understand her pain and the hurt that she went through by not having her dad around.  It’s extremely difficult for little girls to grow up without having a positive male figure in their lives.  Although I didn’t realize it until high school, I had become a very empathetic child from an early age.  I was very fortunate to have a mother who was my best teacher and provided a great support system for my sister and me.

Unfortunately, not all children are as lucky as we are.  Many children are born into families who lack the knowledge to properly care for them, and do not know how to enhance development.  Like Gordon, I agree that these families should be provided with the tools to succeed.  If we can’t help them, who will?  Most parents learn their parenting skills from their home lives growing up, and the majority of these parents will go on to parent in the same way.  If the proper tools and information are not provided to these struggling parents, the cycle will continue.  We aren’t just setting the parents up for failure, we are also setting the children up for a struggle that could have been avoided if someone would’ve taken an interest.    If more people in this world took the time to understand how their actions affect the lives and feelings of others, we would live in a more peaceful place.

This book definitely opened my eyes to the possibilities of change.  Many of us assume that older children, unlike young children, have trouble learning new skills like empathy, and the ability to share their feelings.  These are qualities that can always be learned, no matter how difficult of a childhood we may have had.  If we take the time to show children love, we have the ability to change their life.  Children are the key to our future, and we have to pave the way for them and help them become all they can be, which begins in their early years of life.

Changing the World, Child by Child



This is Vanessa, the author of our first entry on our last
chapter. She's with her nephew, who will turn 2 this
month. Vanessa said she selected this photo because "I
adore this little person...and if anything happened to his
parents, I would take the responsibility of making sure this
child has everything he needs, and would give him
unconditional love...As a loving aunt, I would be willing
to do anything and everything to provide for my
nephew."



            When I started reading chapter 15, I immediately reflected back on my childhood. When I was in elementary school, I loved art time. I used to love to draw and paint pictures of my family, friends, and pets. Drawing my house with the sun shining in the back was my favorite type of picture to draw.

           

            Gordon wrote about how children’s artwork will express their character. I agree with this idea. I had a happy childhood. I would use art time to express the world around me; it consisted of my home and loved ones. The artwork of the children I have worked with in the past also expresses who they are and what they like. When I worked with kids at a preschool I loved how creative the kids were during art time. I am one that believes when it comes to art, children should not have limits or guidelines. What for? I feel that it expands their creativity. Whether it may be artwork with one color or multiple colors, the children express themselves in some way. That one color may be the child’s favorite color or that color may remind them of something they love. Or if a child uses multiple colors, he or she might just like all kinds of colors. When it comes to children and their creativity, I believe the possibilities are endless because you never know what they might want to do next.

            Gordon indicated that when parents are incapable of providing their child with the love and support a child needs, it is the society’s duty to take over this position. I agree with the author. If parents should fail with their child, all hope is not lost. I agree with the idea that others can step in and take the role of the loving parent or guardian. If others are not willing to step up and provide for the child’s needs then they too aren’t helpful, just as the parents aren’t. I actually know someone whose mother was there for her. However, her grandmother took over her care when she was a little girl. Though she still loves her mother, I found out she developed a deeper love for her grandmother. In her case it is not that her mother left her or failed to provide for her, because she did, but it was her grandmother who was physically and emotionally there supporting her on a daily basis. Even then it does not have to be a relative that may take over the needs of a child. I think that anyone should be able to help a child in need if in fact they care for the wellbeing of the child.

            While reading this chapter I thought about what I have learned this semester, especially about Vygotsky’s theory.  Gordon mentions, “social and emotional learning is correlated with cognitive learning” (p.221).  When reading this I reflected on Vygotsky’s belief that learning leads to development, especially in a social and cultural environment. Gordon also indicates that how we live should be based on our current knowledge.  This reminds me of Vygotsky’s belief that knowledge is constructed during childhood. The author even touched on universal languages and emotions. This is actually something I recently learned about in another class I am taking. I agreed with Gordon’s information about universal languages. I myself find it hard to express my emotions in that sense. I found Gordon’s paragraph on universal languages to be illuminating.

Though it was a short chapter, what the author wrote about was informative. I reflected back to my childhood, to my friend’s situation, and to what I am learning in this class and my other class, and all of that was more than I expected to reflect on. I ended up writing more than I expected. This was a great book and I would recommend it to anyone because it makes you ponder things you wouldn’t think of on a daily basis.

Changed Forever

Dominique wrote our last entry on chapter
14, and is pictured here with her son and their
newly adopted dog, Thor.

In the 14th chapter of Roots of Empathy, the author Mary Gordon explains the importance of a baby’s first relationship with his parents. It is important for a baby to have a safe and healthy relationship in order to have a secure attachment. When a child’s needs are being met, he develops into a trusting young child and later into an adult who is able to have a healthy relationship with others.

During my childhood I can’t remember when or how often my mom read to me at night.  I know my dad never read to me because he suffers from dyslexia and he was always too embarrassed to read or help us with our homework. There wasn’t even a time when my mom sang lullabies to me before bed time. However, I had great parents considering some of the emotional needs that were not met when I was a child. I knew once I became a mom, everything would be different and I would be more emotionally connected with my children.

Gordon writes, “When we become parents, we are changed forever” (p. 210 ). This is exactly what happened when I became a mom in 2005. Something changed and I knew I was not the same person after giving birth to a beautiful little boy.  The first few years of his life he was always sleeping in my arms or in my lap. Every night before he went to sleep I rocked him while I sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Baby of Mine. He would often sleep on my chest and just recently he started going to sleep without me lying down with him in his bed! I started reading to him at a young age, now he enjoys reading and according to his teacher, he is an above- average student. At my parent teacher conference the other day, she explained to me that he is a good little boy with a tender heart. He is always helping other students with their work before he finishes his and he is always the first one to check on someone if he or she is crying.

This chapter really made me think about how easy it is to have a good relationship with your child, and I have a really hard time understanding why some parents can’t put forth the effort to create that relationship that all kids deserve. My relationship with my son is far different from the relationship I had with my parents when I was 6. I am grateful to have a son who is attentive to others’ needs and who is willing to put everyone before him. I hope that he will continue to have a tender heart towards everyone as he grows into a young man, and knowing I helped create such a loving and caring little boy puts a big smile on my face; I wouldn’t change our relationship for the world. He brings tears to my eyes every time I look at him and I am lucky and grateful to be his mom.

Every Moment Counts

Blanca G. wrote our second entry on chapter 14. This
is her nephew, near some of the animals he loves.

In chapter 15 of Roots of Empathy, Mary Gordon begins by saying that “Children become who they are at home” (p. 209), and that the most powerful relationship is between the parent and child.  Therefore, the most significant person in a child’s life is his or her parent. According to Erik Erikson, the first stage of trust versus mistrust sets the foundation for future relationships. Therefore, parents can move towards building a strong bond between their children. A good way to do this involves attending immediately to their child’s basic needs.

  Parents create a stronger relationship and experience unique moments with their newborn. Having a newborn child will be one of the best experiences that a couple can have.  Having a newborn baby can drastically change the lives of the new parents, because now they have to take care and dedicate more time to the newborn child. I agree with Mary Gordon’s description of how a parent can be the most valuable person in a child’s life and that parents should celebrate every unique moment with the child. I still remember when I was a little child; my parents would give everything to ensure that my siblings and I received good attention and dedication. Their empathy toward eight children was significant in our lives because I still remember those memorable experiences from my childhood because of our parents’ dedication and compassion. Now that I have experienced working with children, I understand how my parents felt when we were trying to get their attention. Gordon indicated that “there is no unimportant day in a child’s life; every moment, every conversation, every activity is important” (p. 209-10).

As of today, I only have one nephew who is 2 years old and I try to enjoy every special moment with him. For example, I am able to celebrate his accomplishments with him, such as when he adds a new word to his vocabulary. At this early age, my nephew shows curiosity towards animals, and his dad has noticed.  My nephew’s parent brought animals such as rabbits, goats, doves, chicks, roosters, and other animals so that he can feed them and have compassion for animals.  My nephew enjoys spending time with his father and with his animals because both of them feel sympathy towards animals.  I think that my nephew and his father are building a stronger relationship because they spend so much time together, experiencing good communication between father and son. They are able to understand each other perfectly. For example, my nephew’s dad is able to pick up the cues from my nephew, and then plan experiences accordingly.

I think that understanding a child’s needs is fundamental because not every child at the age of 2 is able to communicate perfectly with his or her parent. There is a connection between my nephew’s experiences and Gordon’s explanation that “what children carry in their hearts is not events but relationships” (p. 210), and my nephew has a strong relationship with his parent.

            Gordon’s description makes me remember several things that I noticed about my nephew. When he was nine-months old, he would cry when his parents were not at home, but when they would return he would move to them and hug them tightly. This vignette demonstrated that my nephew felt safe around his parents. According to Gordon, “The loving touch and the warm voice of a parent are the fuel that fires the growth of a baby’s brain” (p. 209).

            This reading caught my attention because sometimes, we do not realize that every moment and every activity is remarkable and unique in a child’s life.  Every facial expression and action that a child makes is important for his or her parents and for the people who are around him or her. The reading definitely made me think about stages and moments in a child’s development. As children grow up, they are learning about their surroundings and people who care about them.  I recently shared this book with my co-worker and her reaction to the book was positive because she enjoyed the descriptions. In conclusion, I feel that my nephew is fortunate that he has parents who are helping him build self-knowledge and confidence through a healthy parent-child relationship.

Parents: Follow Your Heart!

Selene wrote our first entry on chapter 14, and she's
pictured here with her sister and her niece. She and her sister
have helped care for her niece each summer, so feel very
close to her. Selene said that, now that she lives far from
her niece, she often calls her, and her niece always asks
when she is going to "sleep over."

Baby talk, cuddling, and picking up a crying baby might seem like ordinary things one does and doesn’t really pay much attention to, but can you imagine what a baby would say about those things?  If babies could talk to their parents they could be telling them that baby talking to them is helping them with their language development, that cuddling with them is showing that parents will always be there for the child no matter what, and that by picking them up when they are crying that they are being listened to.  Parents are a big influence in a child’s life and the bond they form in the early years will either help or hurt the child as they grow up.  As Gordon puts it, “A child’s passage from helpless newborn to confident adult is profoundly influenced by his parents, who are his first love and his first and most powerful teachers” (p. 217). 

What chapter 14 of Roots of Empathy is trying to show is that the home is where children become who they are.  The more love and engagement parents show towards their child, the better they will do socially and emotionally.  This relationship is also beneficial when it comes to the school setting.  The nurture a child gets at home will set him up for learning at school, and the more nurture, the better.  For example, if a child gets to read with parents at home, it is more likely that he will have more confidence and love for learning because that is what was modeled at home.  The same goes for language, in that the earlier and more often the parents talk to their child, the better it will be when it comes to school because the child has been exposed to it already and has an idea of sounds and words.  When it comes to developing empathy, parents play a big role in this as well, and the more warm and responsive they are towards their children, the more self-confident, empathic, and socially competent their children will be.  The school will build from the foundation set at home and help develop a child that will be a caring and capable person, adult, and parent. 

I believe that my parents set us, my brother, sister, and me, up with an overall good foundation as we grew up.  Pictures show how my brother cared for me when I was a baby, and then when my sister was born, how we both cared for her.  This wouldn’t have been possible without the help of both our father and mother showing those caring characteristics to us to pass on.  From what I’ve been told, both my parents were always aware of our emotions and tried to figure us out.  There were a lot of hugging and bonding moments at our home and when we went out.  I have to say that the simplest things were the best for me because it was time that I got to spend with my parents.  We didn’t have money to go out to amusement parks or anything of that nature; instead, we would enjoy being in our backyard playing games or going to the park and playing on the playground.  As we got ready to go into school, my parents did their part and we started learning things at home.  They would buy books for us to read with them and when we got into school, they would help us and encourage us to do our best.

I remember my first day of kindergarten and how I didn’t cry when my mom left because I knew she was going to come back.  That was not the case for a couple of kids that started crying when their parents were leaving.  I remember feeling bad for the kids because they were crying.  I also remember when I was in first grade how eager I was to read because of what my parents were doing at home.  I never felt like I didn’t know how to do anything.  The same was true when I was learning how to count to big numbers; I found it so fascinating when I was learning and I just wanted to learn more.

Unfortunately this is not the case for many children whose parents aren’t as nurturing and caring, but with this Roots of Empathy program, hopefully that won’t be the case for kids anymore.  The overall goal that the program wants to meet is that they want to make sure that if a child is being neglected at home and not getting the warm, responsive, loving relationship with the parent, then the child has the option of experiencing a working model of it in the school setting.  Everyone has the responsibility to make sure that all children have a safe and healthy environment to grow in in order for them to blossom into confident adults.  Parents need to stop worrying about what the “experts” say and follow their hearts in deciding what is right or wrong with their child because who knows a child better than their own parents.  I believe that this program is something great that should be offered at more schools so everyone can have that opportunity.  Nonetheless, parents should still do their part and develop that bond with their children that will benefit them as they get older. “What children carry in their hearts is not events but relationships. It is the giving of ourselves that matters” (Gordon, p. 210), so we should give it our all!

Reaching Before Teaching

Olga wrote our second and final entry on chapter 13. These
are her cousin's kids, and she said that she babysits them so
much that she feels like they're hers.

Each child comes into a classroom with his personal life story, which drastically affects how he learns and succeeds in education. One’s background, parents, stress level, and personal experience all play a vital role in his ability to learn. Reading this chapter made me realize and better understand the importance of a teacher’s job. It also taught me the concept of reaching children before attempting to teach them. As Gordon wrote in her book, “to teach children, we must first reach them” (p.194) Teachers cannot have the same expectations for every child but instead need to understand the uniqueness of each child and reach out to them with empathy. In this chapter, Gordon writes that the teacher’s job is not simply about imparting knowledge, but establishing a relationship that will promote learning.

I remember when I had just moved to America and how different and difficult everything seemed to be in the schools. Looking back to my first year, I remember my frustration at not being able to understand anything or anyone. But what I remember more is my inspiring teacher who gave me the motivation to try. She understood the difficulty in moving to a different country, trying to blend into the completely foreign culture and found enough empathy to reach out to me. During those first years, she built a relationship with me that gave me the confidence I needed to succeed. Her understanding of the importance of her job helped shape me into the person I now am.

I have been to many different orphanages in Russia, and have met many different children. All of these children have had a difficult past and as I began to work more with them, I began to understand how those past events shaped and formed their character. I began to have more empathy and tried harder to connect to them. Difficult situations made more sense to me, and resolving them did not seem to be so hard anymore. Once I understood the effects of their past, I better understood their current situations. I believe those trips to the orphanages benefitted me far more than the children, because they taught me how to reach children by accepting them as whole people, past and present.

As I currently work in a preschool, I try to learn and understand where each child comes from and why they act the way they do. We have had children that come from different foster care homes who do not understand how to deal with all of their strong emotions.  Little by little, I began to see how their actions were merely a cover for a certain feeling that they could not identify. They did not know how to properly express or deal with that particular emotion. It is very rewarding to see how the children change for the better after the continuous effort of teaching and guiding.

Reading this chapter made me realize what it means to be a good teacher and the importance of a good relationship between a teacher and his or her students. As Gordon states: “A child’s decision to learn or not often depends on his relationship with the teacher” (p. 205). As a teacher myself, I have seen the necessity of gaining a child’s respect and building a healthy relationship. Seeing the effect of this on his desire and ability to learn, I have learned to respond differently to tantrums and other negative behavior. Teachers often have one of the most profound effects on a person’s life, whether good or bad. I believe that by understanding and adapting the concepts in this chapter, a teacher can learn to be far more effective and influential. Reaching the child before attempting to teach him has proven to be a significantly more successful method than any other method.