The Power of Raw Emotion and Communication

Sarah B wrote this first entry on
chapter 8, and she's pictured here with
her mother. She said they've "broken
through barriers" and are now best
friends: "I can't wait to be just like
her, and display for my children the
honesty and openness she shares
with me on a daily basis!"

In order to appreciate what goes on in the minds of others, whether children or adults, communication must be raw and real. Honesty allows for insight into others’ lives, and can be influential on many levels. I remember as a child seeing my parents in a role that did not include emotions or feelings. They were the law and there was no emotion in that. Gordon describes in chapter nine how people can build bridges to become closer in relationships, growing through other’s experiences, and learning how to communicate.

When I was a child, my parents had to make a life changing decision to move from Southern California to the Central Valley. My heart was crushed because I had to leave my friends, my school, and my grandmother who had been there for me on so many occasions.  I hated my parents, but I refused to use my words to tell them. Instead, I used my actions to take that risk. I glared at them every chance I got; I came home late in the evenings and refused to talk to them on a one-on-one level. This all changed when I walked into my mother’s room unannounced. I caught her sitting on her bed crying. This was an emotion I did not realize my parents experienced. Her crying was so raw that it struck a nerve in me. I sat down next to her and we talked for hours.

This was a powerful moment for me, and I’ve realized just how similar it was to the moments that the students experienced in Gordon’s chapter. Specifically, it was similar to when the students watched their instructor cry when talking about bullying. The instructor’s feelings were turned in to a reality for the children, and gave them an opportunity to see how their actions and words can still affect someone later on in life. The students were able to draw connections with her which allowed for the communication to be authentic. The instructor “… was willing to trust and respect the children, sharing experiences and emotions that were important to her on the deepest level” (p. 138). This incident reminded me of my mother who let her guard down with me and shared her emotions about moving, the fears she had for my sister and me going to a new school, and the uncertainty of what life would be like in a new city. She opened the door for me to be real with her by being real, open, and honest with me. She taught me how to express my feelings and emotions in a healthy manner.

The Roots of Empathy program allows for children to see the parent/child role in a completely new way. This can be seen as a direct result of the process of communication that is honest and open. The children are now better equipped, according to Gordon, to: “…connect more closely with their own families” (p. 140).

I have longed to be a mother my whole life; I have learned from Gordon that it is important as a parent and especially as an adult that the “…respect we convey to the children in our words, gestures, and facial expressions is internalized and evolves into a strong sense of self and competence that endures” (p. 141). My mother’s relationship with me grew because of needed emotional connection. What she didn’t know was that her vulnerability and willingness to communicate her honest feelings with me will stay with me forever. Every time I have to deal with a hard situation or deal with a struggle in my life, that moment with my mother will continue to help guide me into a sense of self. I can bounce my feelings and emotions off of the spring board she gave me. She made me realize that it was okay to be afraid or to be hurt, and that as long as I stay open and honest with myself and with others, I can build bridges between friends, family, and even strangers as a support system. We are all human and with a little effort, we can connect and be authentic on a deeper level that leads to rich, fulfilling relationships and lives.  

Experiences with Emotional Literacy

Brittany N. wrote our second and final entry for chapter 8.
She said she selected this photo of herself as a child
because it shows one of the many emotions she expressed
for her mom. Too cute!

In the eighth chapter of Roots of Empathy, the author Mary Gordon describes the importance of emotional literacy and the role empathy plays in its development. Gordon proposes the idea that emotion in children is “universal and foundational” (p. 117). From my own understanding, I believe the author is trying to convey that children use emotion as a way to help build off of other literacies. Without a solid emotional foundation within the self, a child may lack the components needed to develop emotional empathy for others.  This idea was very striking to me. I was able to recall a time when I witnessed an interaction between a mother and her 5-year-old daughter. The daughter was crying and upset over a toy she had shared with a friend. As she spoke, it was apparent the reasoning behind the story was illogical, and the mother’s interest began to fade. She slowly denied her daughter’s feelings and caused the little girl to shut down completely. In the moment, I knew this could be damaging for the daughter, however, I did not understand the importance of emotional recognition in children until after reading this chapter. Children learn how to regulate their emotions through appropriate expression in words and behavior. In this circumstance, the young girl I watched interact with her mother was quickly distracted from her own feelings. Anything she may have been able to learn through the circumstance was denied before it could even be understood. The Roots of Empathy program helps parents and children avoid situations like this. Gordon expresses the importance of emotional literacy through various activities with children. As the child participates in the activity, they begin to develop language skills, connection of ideas and differences within each emotion.

One of the activities the classroom engaged in was a discussion about a baby who had pulled on his mother’s hair. The intentions were innocent, and the children in the classroom were able to recognize this due to the mother’s response to her child, as well as the teachers’ guidance. It allowed the students to embrace the differences in reactions to situations and how it is important to take the time to understand what someone’s intentions may be. I believe this learning technique for children can be very beneficial. There have been various children I have observed who have lacked the knowledge needed to understand their peers’ intentions in various situations. One example that comes to mind is a young girl who responded in anger over her sand castle being ruined by a peer. What the young girl did not realize is that her friend was just trying to bring over more sand to help make the castle bigger. As the friend carried the sand closer to the castle, the bucket tilted and it poured everywhere, ruining what had already existed. The problem with the girl’s response was that she lacked empathy for her friend. She misunderstood the girl’s intentions and responded with what seemed natural: anger. Her anger could have been prevented if there would have been a discussion such as the one in the Roots of Empathy classroom.

I learned emotional literacy through my interactions with my mom. She allowed me to express how I was feeling without passing judgment. The biggest thing that helped me learn empathy was the validation of my feelings. I was able to cry over a cut on my leg, name the emotion, and know that it was ok to feel hurt. A memory that allowed me to grasp the idea of someone else’s feelings and intentions was when a friend in school had lost her dad. For months at a time, I could not understand why my friend had started lashing out in school. As an adult, it is easy to relate the death with the behavior, but as a child, that understanding only gradually became apparent. My mom was the one who helped me understand why my friend was having behavioral problems in school. I remember her sitting me down and explaining what had happened to my friend’s dad. She listed off what it was my friend had been doing at school and then asked me how I felt about it. My mom had made suggestions and told me that I should speak to my friend about her feelings. This same approach is what the Roots of Empathy program has developed to help children grasp this concept. They want students to name the emotion, anchor the emotion privately through reflection, and then begin to express their feelings with others (p. 125). By doing this, the child is able to gain capacity in their thought, as well as how to understand the world around them. I believe once someone can pinpoint their own emotions, and then understand them in others, they have reached the full potential for emotional literacy. In my case, my mother truly helped me embrace this concept and allowed me to explore how to interact and understand others’ emotions. Gordon made a statement that, “…We as adults stretch emotionally ourselves as we gain invaluable insights into the emotional lives of our children” (p. 116). This quote will forever stay with me as I choose to pursue a career working with kids. I learned the value of emotional literacy through my mother’s actions and in return, want to do the same for my future children and students.

Emotions - The Language of the Heart

Blanca R wrote this first entry on chapter 8. These are her
happy sons when her oldest graduated from kindergarten.
I wonder if he's eaten that candy yet...! 

Schools today are so focused on academic achievement that they forget there are little people with feelings who feel stressed about doing well in school. Children not only worry about their education but they worry about everything else that revolves around them. Some children are better at expressing what they feel than others. Sadly, some children are getting the message that not showing empathy and expressing negative emotions to others is ok. Children are being exposed to too much violence on TV and in their everyday life, and it is being transmitted into the schools. Recently there has been a devastating pattern of bullying across the nation. Children are afraid to speak up if someone at school is bullying them and this affects their overall performance in and out of school. Bullying can be a very sensitive topic. Therefore, I agree that children should be exposed more at school to forums for freely discussing their emotions, and according to Gordon, “understanding and expressing our emotions in appropriate ways” (p.117). They need to learn that showing their emotions is not a sign of weakness, nor is it anything to be embarrassed about. Children who can express their own emotions can use this important instrument to give them a voice needed to succeed in school as well as in their everyday life.                                                                                       

Not only should it be important to discuss emotions at school, but it is also very important to begin discussing them at home. There may be many reasons why parents don’t talk or show emotions to their children. One reason may be parents didn’t have the opportunity to take parenting classes or might be unaware that there are parent workshops on child development in their community. Gordon mentions they have a program where parents are taught the importance of being a part of their children’s development, and this is great. But what happens to those children whose parents didn’t get that opportunity? It was also interesting to read that if children don’t have a safe, supportive environment, it is even much harder for them to express their emotions.  When emotions are not discussed in the home, parents may not be aware of how their children are feeling.  Children learn through imitation, so who better to role model empathy than their parents?

It came to mind that in my family emotions was not a topic that was discussed. As a family we didn’t show or say how much we loved each other, or what we thought about one another. It was difficult to express our feelings. Not being able to do so made life more complicated for me in many ways, so I can relate somewhat to this chapter. As a young adult, I found out that was how my parents were raised, so not expressing emotions for loved ones had become a cycle that I chose to break with my own children.

An emotion can be expressed verbally or nonverbally, and if children don’t get the message, then they feel they are not loved and may find it harder to love back. Emotions can help us think and behave in a way that can be healthy for our lives. We can learn from babies, as mentioned in the book, but we can also learn from each other. As Gordon indicated, “It is cool to care.” (p.128)

Attachment: Building the First Relationship

Candace wrote this entry, and here she is with
Levar when he was 8 months old.

My two year old, Levar Jr., has been at Campus Children’s Center since he was 3 months old. I was only 20 when I got pregnant and 21 when I actually gave birth. As a child development major, I thought I had everything figured out and all the answers to everything. But on May 27^th, 2009, my life changed forever. I knew that at 7:32 am I was responsible for another being. I had taken on the job of being a provider, a protector, and my baby’s first teacher. I was responsible for caring, loving, supporting, nurturing and making sure that he was well off emotionally. But boy, was I in for a rude awakening!

It wasn’t until 4 days later when we were released from the hospital that my job as a mother had started. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love every minute of it, but parenting sure has its frustrating moments. I knew that to ensure that my baby and I formed a secure attachment, I had to be there no matter what and respond to his every want and need. But it’s not as easy as it sounds, especially when you’re still enrolled in school and working full time, as well, to pay the bills. I mean, let’s face it, most people with children would agree that parenting isn’t easy, but knowing that your baby has formed attachments with the people he loves most is priceless. All the hard work and sleepless nights makes it all worth it in the end.

After reading this chapter on attachment, I found myself agreeing with a lot the author had to say about forming attachments and the base for forming them. I believe that forming secure attachment has a lot to do with the environment that the child is in, the emotional state that the caregivers are in, and how well the caregivers respond to people in general. The chapter talks about building relationships and attachments with the people an infant most comes in contact with and how answering cues or not answering them at all can have a detrimental effect on how well these infants are able to form relationships as they get older. They also talk about the structure of the family such as two parent families, single parent families, and same sex families etc, but the main point is that whatever the structure is, the most valuable institution for nurturing attachment is the family. After reading about how structures in a family can have an impact on a child’s wellbeing, I started to think of how I was raised and how my life was growing up.

Although I wasn’t raised with my biological mother and father, I was still able to be with a family who cared so much about me and my well being. They were always there for me and always came to my rescue, making me feel safe and loved with them. I had a bond with them that no one could take away. To me they were my mom and dad, because they loved me unconditionally and supported me throughout my entire life. Because of their actions and how well they nurtured me, I am able to form trusting relationships with others and build attachments with other people, including my own son.

The book also talked about how infants give cues to their caregivers, such as crying, pointing or grabbing, as a way to communicate a problem so that it can be fixed. When babies cry, if an attachment between the baby and the caregiver is strong, the baby will stay calm and feel at ease because he knows that his cry will be answered, and his needs will be met by his caregivers. However, if a baby has not formed an attachment, he will feel anxious, distressed, and will most likely become agitated. Attachments are usually formed and are crucial in the first year of life.  How well an infant forms an attachment relies greatly on the caregiver. “When a baby learns that her cries will evoke a consistent and comforting response from her mother, she develops confidence in her mother as a reliable protector” (p.102).  I see this in my own son all the time when I drop him off at daycare. It has been such a routine for him to see me drop him off at school, and he will cry for a second as we depart, but he has confidence that I will always come back for him at the end of each day. He also knows that when I leave, he is surrounded with a group of loving, caring and nurturing teachers who has been their consistently since day one. He is comfortable being there, so I am comfortable leaving him there. But it wasn’t always this easy for him. It took him awhile to settle down and get used to his caregivers at school, but as time went on he began to trust them in the way that he trusted me and began to feel secure in his environment.

Attachment doesn’t just happen over night between an infant and his caregiver. It is inspired by a number of incidents that happen. “It’s built on hundreds of small interactions between parent and baby that go on everyday” (p. 106). For instance, when cues are given from an infant to the caregiver; if they are answered and the needs are met, a trust is being built and being strengthened every time it happens. After a while, the baby begins to gain a sense of trust and he/she feels cared for. When he begins to feel this way, he starts to regulate his own emotions in certain situations. “Investing in children during these early years to promote solid, healthy attachments is the best investment a family can make, the best investment a community can make, and the best investment the world can make” (p. 113). No one person can do everything, but everyone can do something, especially when it comes to forming positive attachments between a baby and a caregiver.

Attachment and the Mommy-to-Be

This is Nicole, the author of this entry, sharing a
quiet moment with her daughter -- who was born just
last week!

In Chapter 7 of Mary Gordon’s Roots of Empathy, she begins to describe what attachment is and the different ways children become attached to their mother.  This chapter really caught my attention due to the fact I am a nanny, and Mason, the 10 month old child I have watched since he was a newborn, is now starting to deal with attachment issues.  Gordon tells us, “When a baby learns that her cries will evoke a consistent and comforting response from her mother, she develops confidence in her mother as a reliable protector” (p. 102). She also says that when the mother leaves the room, the child will cry, but then quickly be comforted when the mother returns and picks the baby up for a cuddle.  Gordon reminded me of all the times when Mason’s parents would leave and he would begin to cry, but once they came back to give him another hug, he would be fine and stop crying.  Mason’s mother is an OB/GYN doctor and is always working, so I spent much of my time with him when he was a newborn and still do today.  Because I spend so much time with Mason, we have created a special bond and it seems he has a bit of attachment to me.  After a day spent together, when I begin to walk out the door, Mason chases after me with his fast crawl and starts to cry.  I give him a kiss before I leave and when I turn around, he waits by the window for me and waves goodbye.  Mason does know who Mommy and Daddy are, but because we spend so much time together, he still has that attachment-related fear with me, as if I won’t come back.

As I continued to read through Chapter 7, I found more connections to my life than I ever thought I would experience.  Gordon begins to talk about Roots of Empathy in the classroom and describes an experience very similar to one I had with Mason about a month ago. She began to explain how, in the fifth grade classroom, children began to ask Anil’s mom how she could tell what the baby needed or wanted when he would start to cry.  I then remembered that the same thing happened to me with Mason.  Mason was really fussy and tired and I just couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I tried to give him a bottle, change his diaper, rock him, and nothing seemed to give him comfort.  I began to notice how fussy he was and that he just wasn’t being his normal self; he kept rubbing his ear and tugging on it, and instantly an ear infection came to my attention.  When his parents got home, I told them I believed Mason might have an ear infection. The next day they took him to the doctors and the doctors ended up diagnosing him with an ear infection.  When I read this chapter, I was surprised that it was common for children at such a young age to give their parents signs by using hand gestures.  Every day Mason uses more and more gestures to let me know what he needs or wants.  When he is done eating, he will wave his hands in front of his face and say, “NO.”  When he wants a book read to him, he will grab his favorite book and walk it over and set it in my lap.  Hand gestures really help children at such young ages by letting adults understand their needs and wants.

            Being pregnant, I also began to think more and more about attachment as I read through this chapter.  I would start to get concerned and worried that I wouldn’t be able to have such a good attachment with my daughter once she is born due to the fact that I have about a month left of school.  Because this chapter puts such a strong emphasis on attachment, I began to wonder if there are any ways I can keep a close attachment with my daughter as I continue school. When my daughter is born, I plan on breastfeeding, which will create not only a special bond but improve our attachment.  I will also try to make sure I am there to comfort her and attend to her cries at each moment.  Even though her Dad will be there when I am gone, I begin to get concerned that she will miss out on the attention from mom.  Although I have these concerns, I feel confident that everything will be okay, and once school is over, my daughter will have my full attention.  Hopefully I will be able to have the same experiences, yet even more, with my daughter that I have had with Mason. 

Chapter 7 was the chapter that I was able to connect to the most, and I hope that I can identify with more experiences from the book in my future.   Taking care of Mason has really helped me become prepared to be a first time mother, and I can’t wait to relate Gordon’s Roots of Empathy to my own experiences as a mother. Being pregnant has really opened my eyes even more by knowing how important attachment is in the first years of a child’s life.  I am excited and curious to see how I do as a first time mother.  I now know that creating a good attachment with my daughter will lead her to a better future.   

"Don't Leave Me!"

Sheng wrote this entry, and
she's pictured here, as a child,
with her mom.

             In the seventh chapter of Mary Gordon’s Roots of Empathy, Gordon described secure attachment as “a baby with a secure attachment often protests when separated from the person he loves and is quickly comforted and reassured once they are together again” (p. 100). Gordon further stated that, “in the first two years, as attachment grows, so does the baby’s sense of security and confidence in being protected and comforted” (p. 102). After taking several child development classes and understanding more about the growth and relationships between children and their parents or caregivers, I agree with Gordon that once a baby is separated from the person he or she loves, he or she will object until they are reunited again. Although I agree, I do believe that attachment does not just happen during the infant stage, but also happens at any point of a child or person’s life when they feel that they need to be protected or loved again.

Although I noticed that this chapter is based on an infant’s early attachments with their parent or caregivers, memories from my later childhood flooded my mind. The 7-year-old me was a child who had secure attachment with my mother. However, the only difference is that I didn’t cry when I was hungry for food or give her signals when I felt scared or felt some discomfort. Yet, I also kept close to my mother, like a child who doesn’t trust the environment around her. Also, unlike the attachment described in Roots of Empathy where an infant builds her secure attachment with her caregivers or parents at the beginning of her life, I remember re-establishing my secure attachment at age 7.

            I was 7 when my parents divorced, and it was then that I remember becoming my mother’s shadow. I also remember following her to the grocery store, waiting for her when she went to the restroom, following her when she went to the garden in the backyard, following her to the farm, etc. During this period of time, I don’t recall playing much with my sisters as I had before age 7; prior, we had all played tag, Chinese jump rope and many other games. I also remember suddenly having to be near her so I could fall asleep. Not only did I have to sleep next to her, but my hand or arm had to be in some sort of contact with her.

Prior to reading this chapter, I had never thought about why this “attachment” behavior resurfaced at the age of 7. In fact, it continued until I was 11 or 12 years old. After reading, it seems to me that one explanation may involve the sudden separation of my parents, and the major changes I had experienced because of it. I remember always playing at home in a carefree way with my sisters and my dad before my parents separated. Even though I don’t remember my mom playing with my sisters and me as much as my father did, the most important thing for me was a secure family who would always be together. I knew my mom was away at work where she worked very hard, and every time she came home, she would give my sisters and me a warm bath and would cook for us. I was enjoying my childhood with the people I love, just like a child should. However, I had never thought of my parent’s separation and the effects it had on me. I didn’t want one of my parents to leave me because I wanted them together.

            Because of the separation of my parents, my hunger for closeness grew. Although I was already 7, I needed more proximity to my mother. As I said earlier, I couldn’t fall asleep without having her sleep next to me. I remember one time when I was separated from my mom for more than a week because she went to Wisconsin to visit my brother; I was left behind with my sisters,  and I had to have a shirt of my mom’s with me at all times. Her shirt was a comfort to me because I could smell her scent. It helped me to not miss her and cry because she wasn’t there with me. Although I hid some tears during the day, I remember silently crying myself to sleep every night.

Overall, I believe that attachment is very important in a child’s life and in a parent or caregiver’s life as well. I also believe that it is the start of a special relationship and it will blossom into wonderful memories and joys. However, even as happy and confident as a child can be, if their attachment relationships encounter major changes, they may feel insecure, unprotected, and deprived, which may cause them to need more physical proximity again in order to strengthen the attachment to their loved one. This could happen at any point in their life.  

Attachment...with a Side of Love

Marlena wrote our first entry for chapter 7.
She's pictured here with Rome. Think they
like each other? :)

Throughout my 22 years of life, I have been lucky enough to watch over a dozen children grow up from tiny infants to young adults.  It was not until recently in my college career, though, that I have been able to recognize attachment between mothers and their children, and consider whether that attachment was healthy or unhealthy.  I am blessed with a friend from high school, Nicole, who, 9 months ago, gave birth to a beautiful little boy named Rome. I am considered an auntie and have watched him grow with my own two eyes.  I have been able to watch the interaction between the two of them, and know that she has helped him build a secure attachment not only to her but to others that are in his life, as well. 

If you were to watch the way that my friend interacts with her son, you would think that she has been doing this for years.  In these early months of Rome’s life, Nicole has been the one to feed him when he needs it, diaper him, and be that loving support he needs.  She is very aware of Rome’s unique way of speaking through hand motions and different cries.  I, not being a mother, was confused at first about how she knew what to do when he cried each time.  She explained to me that Rome had different cries for different needs and that she now, after months of practice, recognizes each one. I tried to listen to each of his cries but I was unsuccessful in trying to figure out the correct way to satisfy his need.  As Rome became older, his cries turned into subtle hand signals.  When he wanted up, he would simply put his arms out to the side and roll his hands in circles, and when he was tired, he would grab at the hair behind his ear or, even more recognizable, rub his eyes with his fists. I would also notice that when he would fuss a little because he was hungry, as soon as Nicole would pick him up, a gigantic smile would fill his face.  Like Gordon mentioned in the book, the breast, in this case, was no longer the recognition for his relief from discomfort; now, picking him up was the recognizable factor, making his smile appropriate. 

When I visit them, which is often, I am happy to see that Rome recognizes me and is comfortable enough to play and interact with me on a level different than with anyone else.  He knows that I am the fun, loving, and energetic aunt who always makes him laugh.  But I notice that even though he is comfortable and having fun, he feels the need to look for his mom at times, just to make sure she is there, and as soon as she is in his view, he goes right back to what he was doing before.  I know by this simple act that she is doing it all right. 

I have also seen the child of an acquaintance grow up in a home that doesn't seem to have fostered secure attachment.  She was born into a marriage that was falling apart and to a mother who was not ready to have another child.  Unlike Rome, I saw many red flags for an insecure attachment.  She cried a lot when she was younger and the parent’s answer to her cry was, “She cries all the time and so she just needs to tough it out. I have fed her, and changed her diaper. She must be tired.”  In reality, she just wanted the comfort of her mother, but her mom was reluctant to give that.  Now that she is older, I see the effect that this type of neglect has had on her.  She is challenged cognitively when it comes to age appropriate activities and knowledge, and needs constant reinforcement and attention, which she still doesn’t get.  This leads her to toys and video games in order to feel content.  I see exactly the same attachment issues in her mother, just in a more mature way.  Her attachment as a child was possibly insecure, therefore the cycle has continued with her offspring, and I am afraid that the cycle will continue on with her child’s children someday. 

After seeing what a healthy and an unhealthy attachment looks like, I know the importance of attachment for children at such a young age.  I want to be able to give my own child a secure attachment, and by reading this book and taking child development classes, I know that I can achieve that goal.  Gordon says, “The quality of this attachment is fundamental to the baby’s learning and to all future relationships” (p. 103).  This is very true in that the first two years are so vital to the child and to the rest of his life.  It is important to take the time and effort to tell people about this so that we can have strong, confident, and secure individuals out there in the world.  Our world would be so much better as a whole if we took the time to relate to our children. 

"Life is Like a Box of Chocolates"

Christine wrote this last entry for chapter 6,
and this is her "silly" daughter. Christine said that
her daughter thought it would be more fun to
stick her tongue out for the camera than it would
be to smile. I have to say that I agree! :)

            The iconic movie Forrest Gump coined the phrase “Mama said life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you’re gonna get.”  As expectant parents, this is especially true. There are many times when we wonder how our child will look and behave, but the truth eludes us until they are actually born. Before the child is born, we have a set of expectations of how they will grow up, how they will look, how they will behave, but as “Mama” put it, “We never know what we’re gonna get.” During my pregnancies, especially with my first child, I wondered every day if my child was going to be energetic like me or shy and quiet like her dad. Reading the chapter Temperament: Getting to Know You, made me think of my children and my parenting skills. I remember family members often telling me that my life would change and how difficult being a parent was going to be. Often times when there were many parents present, the common consensus was that they did not want more children as more children equated to higher levels of stress. With many people telling me this, I often felt scared of becoming a parent. I wondered if my children were going to cry and scream a lot or keep me up all night. After having children, I agree that my life has changed, but for the better. What used to be all about me and my needs has become all about the needs of my children. Although being a parent can be stressful at times, I’ve learned to be patient and to understand their needs and expectations.

            In this chapter, Gordon talks about the different temperament traits of each child and that they vary from child to child. These traits impact our abilities and how we learn or interact with one another. I agree with Gordon when she states that “understanding temperament is key to understanding the way our children react” (p. 85). What I love about this statement is that it gives reassurance to parents who feel like a failure because their child isn’t behaving like they expected. There are many times that I feel this way as well. When my child is fussy and moving around a lot in her high chair, my first thought is not, “That’s just her temperament, she has a high activity level.” Instead, I’m thinking she’s being naughty! This chapter has given me a better understanding of my child’s behavior and why she acts the way she does. Every day is a learning process for the both of us. I learn to listen and understand her needs and to adjust my traits to fit hers. For instance, my daughter has a high activity level and if given the opportunity, she would dance all day long. Every time she hears music or any kind of beat, she would be up dancing and dragging anyone close to her to do so as well.

“Mama” had it right: “We never know what we’re gonna get.” Each child is unique and they all come into this world with different personalities. We should not expect them to fit into and accommodate our lifestyles, but instead consider changing or assimilating ourselves to fit theirs. What I love about this chapter is that it helps adults to better understand children. Instead of blaming a child for their bad behavior, understanding their temperament allows us to help them in certain situations.

Understanding Temperament

This is Ariseli, who wrote this chapter 6 entry,
and her 2-year-old niece, Ashley. Looks
like Ashley kinda likes her aunt...and that the
feelings are mutual!

In Chapter 6 of The Roots of Empathy, Gordon mentions that all children are born with different temperaments and this is the reason why they act in certain ways. Something that parents need to be aware of is that they can’t change their child’s temperament. Temperament is unchangeable. The nine temperament traits are Activity Level, Intensity, Sensitivity, First Reaction, Adaptability, Mood, Frustration Reaction, Distractibility, and Rhythmicity. All nine traits combine to form three types of temperaments that include easy, difficult and somewhere in between. Understanding temperament is important because it gives parents a better understanding of why children behave a certain way. 

Gordon believes that, “understanding temperament is a valuable insight and essential in building strong relationships” (p.80).  I agree with Gordon because I believe that it is important for parents to understand their child’s temperament, as well as their own temperament and the temperament of others. When parents are aware of their own temperament it can help them develop a more effective parent-child relationship. I believe that it can help parents communicate better with their child. It can also help parents understand why their child is behaving a certain way. In addition, I believe that it can help parents find a more effective discipline approach that will work better for their child.

Gordon also mentions that it is important that we are aware of and understand our own temperament. Sometimes the parent’s temperament is completely different from their baby’s temperament. This can be an issue because it can make it hard for the parent to understand and relate to what the child is going through. However, when the parent and child have similar temperaments it can benefit both because the parent might be able to relate to the things that trigger the child. Gordon describes this as a “Goodness of fit,” which is a relationship between the parent and the child that helps them make a better connection.

The reading made me think of my niece Ashley who is 2 years old. After reading the descriptions of the temperament types it made me realize my niece falls into the category of “difficult to take care of.” She has a high activity level and this explains why she can’t sit still on my lap. I also learned that the reason why she cries loudly when she is upset is probably because she has a high level of intensity. Now that I am familiar and aware of the nine traits I am able to understand why she acts a certain way.  Based on the reading I also learned that we shouldn’t describe temperament types in a negative way. Parents should never use labels such as “cry baby.” Instead parents should respond to the child’s temperament in a positive way. “Parents who have a baby with a number of difficult temperament traits learn the importance of accepting them and helping to manage them” (p.98). I agree with Gordon and I believe parents should accept their child’s temperament.  Parents should be good role models and help their child manage her temperament.

Everyone is Unique in His Own Way

Mai Va L wrote our second entry for chapter 6, and these are
her nieces and nephews. She took them to the zoo this summer,
and they all wanted to pet the giraffe. Unfortunately, that costs
extra money. "I didn't carry enough cash," she said, "so I
persuaded them to go to the sheep farm and pet the sheep instead,
which doesn't cost us anything. They were very sweet when I
told them, "Aunty does not have enough money, so let's just take
a picture with the giraffe, and go pet the sheep. Next time when
we come, we will go feed the giraffe for sure!" Lucky nieces and
nephews...lucky aunt! 

            All the techniques used in Roots of Empathy to teach children to accomplish and establish empathy and other important information are interesting and clever. I admire Mary Gordon for coming up with the idea of regularly introducing an infant into a classroom full of young students to teach and allow them to see the developing phases and other important information about the individual child as he develops. Chapter 6 focuses on teaching children to understand that all children and all people have different temperaments from, that it is important for children and parents to understand another child’s or person’s temperament, and to accept them for who they are regardless of what temperament traits they innately have.

            When Gordon stated that, “understanding temperament is a valuable insight and essential in building strong relationships” (p. 80), it reminded me of my 16 nieces and nephews. I come from a large family and have 16 nieces and nephews in total, all aged from 2 months to 13 years, whom I have helped take care of throughout my life. These nieces and nephews have taught me many things in life, like bringing up a child is not an easy job, and children can be very vulnerable at times. Also I’ve learned that each and every one of them is unique in their own ways. Each of them, as Gordon stated, has a different temperament. For example, my nephew Lucus, age 4, is a very active child who exhibits some of the nine traits discussed in chapter 6 like high activity, distractibility level, and he is easily frustrated in comparison to my niece Sororia, age 5, who is the total opposite. Sororia is a calm girl who can easily adapt to new environments and has a lower activity level, meaning she is much more patient and less aggressive than Lucus.

            Gordon is right that when one understands a child’s or someone else’s temperament, one will be able to build a stronger relationship with that individual child or person. I’m glad Roots of Empathy emphasizes this in their program and teaches children to realize that they have a different temperament than their peers, that all temperaments are acceptable, and the only way to get along with each other is to see the differences and find ways to adapt. I’m sure when children learn this, they will feel more confident about their temperaments because when children learn to accept another’s temperament, they will feel reassured and gain the trust within themselves that others will accept theirs as well.

              Reading about the importance of learning to understand someone else’s temperament reminds me of my older sister, Kheng, who is the mother to four of my nieces and nephews. Kheng told me that being a parent is not easy at all. I agreed with her. I realized why I haven’t had any children of my own, and that is because it takes times and a lot of patience and commitment to be a stable and good parent because all children need and deserve attention and love. Also, I believe before having a child one should make sure they are financially, physically, and mentally stable. All I can say is being a parent is like working an overtime job; it can be exhausting at times and rewarding at other times.

            Kheng said that each of her children is different from the other and the complexity level of taking care of them varies due to their individual temperament. She shared the same belief as Gordon, that to overcome the complexity of handling any child, one must observe and take time to learn about that individual child’s temperament and his or her likes and dislikes. When parents learn about a child’s temperament and habits, they can learn different methods to decrease the complex level of taking care of that individual child.

            When Gordon discusses on page 85 that parents and adults have temperament traits as well, and that when parents and children’s temperament traits don’t match, it can cause issues, it reminded me of the different temperament traits me and my husband acquired. My husband and I have not had any children of our own, but when reading, I realized that not only do problems arise because of different temperament traits between parents and children, but problems can arise in relationships too if partners have opposite temperament traits. My husband is a low-activity person who is very patient and takes his time on everything. I’m the opposite. I like everything to be done fast and at an “always-on-the-go” pace. I think we’ve managed to last because we’ve learned to understand each other’s temperaments, and have found ways to not allow the differences in our temperaments to be an issue, which could split us up.

            When I read, “the baby you get is rarely the baby you ordered” (p. 80), it brought back memories of when I was taking CFS 135, a parenting class, and was learning and reading about parents who didn’t know they were having an abnormal or special child, or how unprepared they were. The CFS 135 text used the analogy of one becoming trapped on an unknown island and not knowing what to do to describe the feelings of parents who didn’t know they were having impaired children. This made it very clear that I should never expect my children to be perfect, and should accept (if one day I have children of my own) them for who they are. If my children are difficult, what I need to do as a good parent is to find ways to accommodate and work around those unacceptable behaviors. I think that the feelings of not knowing whether or not one is having an impaired child and the feeling of not knowing a child’s temperament are the same. Both situations require parents to find techniques to deal with these behaviors and changes. I guess I’m so touchy about this topic that we discussed in CFS 135 because in the Hmong culture, I was always taught that everyone is granted from birth, from god, a written paper of the spirit’s fate and destiny. One should always value and accept whatever fate or destiny is written on the paper. Everyone has to learn to love what they have been granted.

            I believe that Roots of Empathy will reach its goal of teaching children to understand someone who is different from them, to be more caring, and, to “increase social and emotional competence and reduce aggression at the same time” (p. xxi). Why? Because from reading chapter six, I have learned that all the students in the classroom who were exposed to the child demonstrated through their responses that they are learning many things, such as that all children have different temperaments (p.92). I’m interested in seeing this program expand throughout the world, and I honestly think that this program will meet its goal of trying to stop the vicious cycle of violence, neglect, and abuse in children.

Is is Just Me, or Just My Temperament?

Rebecca, the author of this entry, is pictured here as a baby.
She was in a walker, and her mom said she was really happy
to be moving around!

            Ever experience a child in a store who is screaming and yelling? One begins to wonder, “What is making that child fuss so much?” I tend to turn it into a guessing game to figure out if the child is hungry, tired, upset, or spoiled. In a moment such as this, my sympathy spreads to the struggling parents. At the same time though, I feel as if these situations could be changed if they only knew how to respond more effectively to the child’s temperament.

            No matter the person, everyone is born with a different kind of temperament. I find this to be fascinating because it is another way to realize each and every single one of us is unique! I knew that the three categories for temperament involve high activity, low activity, or somewhere in between. I had no idea that temperament also reflects the areas of our activity level, intensity, sensitivity, first reactions, adaptability, mood, frustration, persistence, distractibility, our rhythms and regularity. Reading about the differences helped me pinpoint what kind of temperament I have. I am different, and it is all right to be different. I feel the world tries to get individuals to conform into what it wants us to be, instead of allowing us to be ourselves.

Reading about the Roots of Empathy program brings up feelings of jealousy for me. I wish someone taught me the way Gordon describes temperament traits in babies to other children. This program is providing deep understanding of human behavior, and at the same time, teaching the children who they are as well. I never had that. Even as an adult, I am struggling to allow myself to just be me. I definitely sympathized with one boy who learned about the low activity aspect of temperament. Learning about his temperament made him begin to realize that he should not be labeled lazy. He began to understand that he simply did not need to physically do much to stimulate himself. I understand this because I myself am a laid back type of person, yet I feel guilty if I am not doing something. I know I am easily distracted, which makes it tough to remain focused on my homework. I know how important homework is, and I easily beat myself up for failing to focus on it. If I am an adult who is still continuing to punish myself, I can only imagine how easy it must be for children to beat themselves up for who they are. 

            I can understand how parents create this perfect image in their head of their future children. Gordon describes how we have been desensitized to the truth of the way babies honestly act. We have become used to the fairy tale baby: one who is perfect, quiet, giggly, and down- right cute. Reality does not work this way. I have babysat for a family that has four children. Their ages are four, six, eight, and ten. There are two boys and two girls. Each child has his or her own way of thinking, creating, having conversations, and ways of getting into trouble. Their mom would always talk to me about her oldest boy, and how difficult he has been for both their father and her. The son does not listen to their advice, disobeys and learns from the consequences. Her other children are each obviously different, but she also has her own separate struggles with them as well. She often blames herself for her oldest child with feelings that she has failed in raising him to be a certain way. Even though the mom imagined her children differently, they are who they are. She must find a way to adapt herself to her children’s temperaments. Having to conform to each other takes work and perseverance. It is not easy, but all of the people involved will learn more about each other, and grow closer together.

            I find that the same reactions happen quite a bit with parents who have children with special needs. Never did parents fully prepare themselves for the possibilities of having a child who was born with a unique condition. I am currently tutoring a 9 year old boy, who has autism. His mom has talked to me about how difficult and tiring it can be when the boy is stuck in a mind-rut. Looking beyond the condition, I can tell that they all love each other. They have been doing all that they can to help their boy learn and grow just like any other child. He has ideas, a vivid imagination, and loves to have fun! He has his own temperament, and it has been interesting having to adapt to his way of thinking.

            Overall, the key to understanding one another is communication and accepting others as they are. If we cannot describe how we are truly feeling, then it will be difficult for others to understand what is going on. If we cannot understand how others feel, there is a loss of empathy for the other person. I have learned that everyone wants to be heard and to be understood, including myself! Building relationships is necessary to survive in this world. It is good to adapt to others as well as knowing how your own temperament works. Embrace who you are, and have fun with it!