Everyone is Unique in His Own Way

Mai Va L wrote our second entry for chapter 6, and these are
her nieces and nephews. She took them to the zoo this summer,
and they all wanted to pet the giraffe. Unfortunately, that costs
extra money. "I didn't carry enough cash," she said, "so I
persuaded them to go to the sheep farm and pet the sheep instead,
which doesn't cost us anything. They were very sweet when I
told them, "Aunty does not have enough money, so let's just take
a picture with the giraffe, and go pet the sheep. Next time when
we come, we will go feed the giraffe for sure!" Lucky nieces and
nephews...lucky aunt! 

            All the techniques used in Roots of Empathy to teach children to accomplish and establish empathy and other important information are interesting and clever. I admire Mary Gordon for coming up with the idea of regularly introducing an infant into a classroom full of young students to teach and allow them to see the developing phases and other important information about the individual child as he develops. Chapter 6 focuses on teaching children to understand that all children and all people have different temperaments from, that it is important for children and parents to understand another child’s or person’s temperament, and to accept them for who they are regardless of what temperament traits they innately have.

            When Gordon stated that, “understanding temperament is a valuable insight and essential in building strong relationships” (p. 80), it reminded me of my 16 nieces and nephews. I come from a large family and have 16 nieces and nephews in total, all aged from 2 months to 13 years, whom I have helped take care of throughout my life. These nieces and nephews have taught me many things in life, like bringing up a child is not an easy job, and children can be very vulnerable at times. Also I’ve learned that each and every one of them is unique in their own ways. Each of them, as Gordon stated, has a different temperament. For example, my nephew Lucus, age 4, is a very active child who exhibits some of the nine traits discussed in chapter 6 like high activity, distractibility level, and he is easily frustrated in comparison to my niece Sororia, age 5, who is the total opposite. Sororia is a calm girl who can easily adapt to new environments and has a lower activity level, meaning she is much more patient and less aggressive than Lucus.

            Gordon is right that when one understands a child’s or someone else’s temperament, one will be able to build a stronger relationship with that individual child or person. I’m glad Roots of Empathy emphasizes this in their program and teaches children to realize that they have a different temperament than their peers, that all temperaments are acceptable, and the only way to get along with each other is to see the differences and find ways to adapt. I’m sure when children learn this, they will feel more confident about their temperaments because when children learn to accept another’s temperament, they will feel reassured and gain the trust within themselves that others will accept theirs as well.

              Reading about the importance of learning to understand someone else’s temperament reminds me of my older sister, Kheng, who is the mother to four of my nieces and nephews. Kheng told me that being a parent is not easy at all. I agreed with her. I realized why I haven’t had any children of my own, and that is because it takes times and a lot of patience and commitment to be a stable and good parent because all children need and deserve attention and love. Also, I believe before having a child one should make sure they are financially, physically, and mentally stable. All I can say is being a parent is like working an overtime job; it can be exhausting at times and rewarding at other times.

            Kheng said that each of her children is different from the other and the complexity level of taking care of them varies due to their individual temperament. She shared the same belief as Gordon, that to overcome the complexity of handling any child, one must observe and take time to learn about that individual child’s temperament and his or her likes and dislikes. When parents learn about a child’s temperament and habits, they can learn different methods to decrease the complex level of taking care of that individual child.

            When Gordon discusses on page 85 that parents and adults have temperament traits as well, and that when parents and children’s temperament traits don’t match, it can cause issues, it reminded me of the different temperament traits me and my husband acquired. My husband and I have not had any children of our own, but when reading, I realized that not only do problems arise because of different temperament traits between parents and children, but problems can arise in relationships too if partners have opposite temperament traits. My husband is a low-activity person who is very patient and takes his time on everything. I’m the opposite. I like everything to be done fast and at an “always-on-the-go” pace. I think we’ve managed to last because we’ve learned to understand each other’s temperaments, and have found ways to not allow the differences in our temperaments to be an issue, which could split us up.

            When I read, “the baby you get is rarely the baby you ordered” (p. 80), it brought back memories of when I was taking CFS 135, a parenting class, and was learning and reading about parents who didn’t know they were having an abnormal or special child, or how unprepared they were. The CFS 135 text used the analogy of one becoming trapped on an unknown island and not knowing what to do to describe the feelings of parents who didn’t know they were having impaired children. This made it very clear that I should never expect my children to be perfect, and should accept (if one day I have children of my own) them for who they are. If my children are difficult, what I need to do as a good parent is to find ways to accommodate and work around those unacceptable behaviors. I think that the feelings of not knowing whether or not one is having an impaired child and the feeling of not knowing a child’s temperament are the same. Both situations require parents to find techniques to deal with these behaviors and changes. I guess I’m so touchy about this topic that we discussed in CFS 135 because in the Hmong culture, I was always taught that everyone is granted from birth, from god, a written paper of the spirit’s fate and destiny. One should always value and accept whatever fate or destiny is written on the paper. Everyone has to learn to love what they have been granted.

            I believe that Roots of Empathy will reach its goal of teaching children to understand someone who is different from them, to be more caring, and, to “increase social and emotional competence and reduce aggression at the same time” (p. xxi). Why? Because from reading chapter six, I have learned that all the students in the classroom who were exposed to the child demonstrated through their responses that they are learning many things, such as that all children have different temperaments (p.92). I’m interested in seeing this program expand throughout the world, and I honestly think that this program will meet its goal of trying to stop the vicious cycle of violence, neglect, and abuse in children.