Attachment...with a Side of Love

Marlena wrote our first entry for chapter 7.
She's pictured here with Rome. Think they
like each other? :)

Throughout my 22 years of life, I have been lucky enough to watch over a dozen children grow up from tiny infants to young adults.  It was not until recently in my college career, though, that I have been able to recognize attachment between mothers and their children, and consider whether that attachment was healthy or unhealthy.  I am blessed with a friend from high school, Nicole, who, 9 months ago, gave birth to a beautiful little boy named Rome. I am considered an auntie and have watched him grow with my own two eyes.  I have been able to watch the interaction between the two of them, and know that she has helped him build a secure attachment not only to her but to others that are in his life, as well. 

If you were to watch the way that my friend interacts with her son, you would think that she has been doing this for years.  In these early months of Rome’s life, Nicole has been the one to feed him when he needs it, diaper him, and be that loving support he needs.  She is very aware of Rome’s unique way of speaking through hand motions and different cries.  I, not being a mother, was confused at first about how she knew what to do when he cried each time.  She explained to me that Rome had different cries for different needs and that she now, after months of practice, recognizes each one. I tried to listen to each of his cries but I was unsuccessful in trying to figure out the correct way to satisfy his need.  As Rome became older, his cries turned into subtle hand signals.  When he wanted up, he would simply put his arms out to the side and roll his hands in circles, and when he was tired, he would grab at the hair behind his ear or, even more recognizable, rub his eyes with his fists. I would also notice that when he would fuss a little because he was hungry, as soon as Nicole would pick him up, a gigantic smile would fill his face.  Like Gordon mentioned in the book, the breast, in this case, was no longer the recognition for his relief from discomfort; now, picking him up was the recognizable factor, making his smile appropriate. 

When I visit them, which is often, I am happy to see that Rome recognizes me and is comfortable enough to play and interact with me on a level different than with anyone else.  He knows that I am the fun, loving, and energetic aunt who always makes him laugh.  But I notice that even though he is comfortable and having fun, he feels the need to look for his mom at times, just to make sure she is there, and as soon as she is in his view, he goes right back to what he was doing before.  I know by this simple act that she is doing it all right. 

I have also seen the child of an acquaintance grow up in a home that doesn't seem to have fostered secure attachment.  She was born into a marriage that was falling apart and to a mother who was not ready to have another child.  Unlike Rome, I saw many red flags for an insecure attachment.  She cried a lot when she was younger and the parent’s answer to her cry was, “She cries all the time and so she just needs to tough it out. I have fed her, and changed her diaper. She must be tired.”  In reality, she just wanted the comfort of her mother, but her mom was reluctant to give that.  Now that she is older, I see the effect that this type of neglect has had on her.  She is challenged cognitively when it comes to age appropriate activities and knowledge, and needs constant reinforcement and attention, which she still doesn’t get.  This leads her to toys and video games in order to feel content.  I see exactly the same attachment issues in her mother, just in a more mature way.  Her attachment as a child was possibly insecure, therefore the cycle has continued with her offspring, and I am afraid that the cycle will continue on with her child’s children someday. 

After seeing what a healthy and an unhealthy attachment looks like, I know the importance of attachment for children at such a young age.  I want to be able to give my own child a secure attachment, and by reading this book and taking child development classes, I know that I can achieve that goal.  Gordon says, “The quality of this attachment is fundamental to the baby’s learning and to all future relationships” (p. 103).  This is very true in that the first two years are so vital to the child and to the rest of his life.  It is important to take the time and effort to tell people about this so that we can have strong, confident, and secure individuals out there in the world.  Our world would be so much better as a whole if we took the time to relate to our children.