Attachment and the Mommy-to-Be

This is Nicole, the author of this entry, sharing a
quiet moment with her daughter -- who was born just
last week!

In Chapter 7 of Mary Gordon’s Roots of Empathy, she begins to describe what attachment is and the different ways children become attached to their mother.  This chapter really caught my attention due to the fact I am a nanny, and Mason, the 10 month old child I have watched since he was a newborn, is now starting to deal with attachment issues.  Gordon tells us, “When a baby learns that her cries will evoke a consistent and comforting response from her mother, she develops confidence in her mother as a reliable protector” (p. 102). She also says that when the mother leaves the room, the child will cry, but then quickly be comforted when the mother returns and picks the baby up for a cuddle.  Gordon reminded me of all the times when Mason’s parents would leave and he would begin to cry, but once they came back to give him another hug, he would be fine and stop crying.  Mason’s mother is an OB/GYN doctor and is always working, so I spent much of my time with him when he was a newborn and still do today.  Because I spend so much time with Mason, we have created a special bond and it seems he has a bit of attachment to me.  After a day spent together, when I begin to walk out the door, Mason chases after me with his fast crawl and starts to cry.  I give him a kiss before I leave and when I turn around, he waits by the window for me and waves goodbye.  Mason does know who Mommy and Daddy are, but because we spend so much time together, he still has that attachment-related fear with me, as if I won’t come back.

As I continued to read through Chapter 7, I found more connections to my life than I ever thought I would experience.  Gordon begins to talk about Roots of Empathy in the classroom and describes an experience very similar to one I had with Mason about a month ago. She began to explain how, in the fifth grade classroom, children began to ask Anil’s mom how she could tell what the baby needed or wanted when he would start to cry.  I then remembered that the same thing happened to me with Mason.  Mason was really fussy and tired and I just couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I tried to give him a bottle, change his diaper, rock him, and nothing seemed to give him comfort.  I began to notice how fussy he was and that he just wasn’t being his normal self; he kept rubbing his ear and tugging on it, and instantly an ear infection came to my attention.  When his parents got home, I told them I believed Mason might have an ear infection. The next day they took him to the doctors and the doctors ended up diagnosing him with an ear infection.  When I read this chapter, I was surprised that it was common for children at such a young age to give their parents signs by using hand gestures.  Every day Mason uses more and more gestures to let me know what he needs or wants.  When he is done eating, he will wave his hands in front of his face and say, “NO.”  When he wants a book read to him, he will grab his favorite book and walk it over and set it in my lap.  Hand gestures really help children at such young ages by letting adults understand their needs and wants.

            Being pregnant, I also began to think more and more about attachment as I read through this chapter.  I would start to get concerned and worried that I wouldn’t be able to have such a good attachment with my daughter once she is born due to the fact that I have about a month left of school.  Because this chapter puts such a strong emphasis on attachment, I began to wonder if there are any ways I can keep a close attachment with my daughter as I continue school. When my daughter is born, I plan on breastfeeding, which will create not only a special bond but improve our attachment.  I will also try to make sure I am there to comfort her and attend to her cries at each moment.  Even though her Dad will be there when I am gone, I begin to get concerned that she will miss out on the attention from mom.  Although I have these concerns, I feel confident that everything will be okay, and once school is over, my daughter will have my full attention.  Hopefully I will be able to have the same experiences, yet even more, with my daughter that I have had with Mason. 

Chapter 7 was the chapter that I was able to connect to the most, and I hope that I can identify with more experiences from the book in my future.   Taking care of Mason has really helped me become prepared to be a first time mother, and I can’t wait to relate Gordon’s Roots of Empathy to my own experiences as a mother. Being pregnant has really opened my eyes even more by knowing how important attachment is in the first years of a child’s life.  I am excited and curious to see how I do as a first time mother.  I now know that creating a good attachment with my daughter will lead her to a better future.