When the Bully Becomes Your Best Friend

Michele wrote our first entry on chapter 11. She's pictured
here as a school-ager with her best friend -- she's in front.

  All children love to play at recess, except the ones that are being harassed and antagonized by bullies.  Even many adolescents fear going to school because bullying is an increasing problem.  I can relate this frightening concept to my elementary school years and the children at my work. I work yard duty at a local elementary school and unfortunately see bullying on a daily basis. All too often, I observe victimized children, and I witness innocent children turn into bullies on the playground. During the three years that I have been working on the playground, I personally have seen bullying become more common at a younger age, especially between girls. The author explained that boys engage in physical bullying such as hitting and pushing. In contrast, female bullying usually targets emotions through gossip and exclusion. 

Gordon explained that children are often suspended when caught in the act of bullying, but this form of consequence does not make the child understand why his or her actions are wrong.  During my first week at Garfield, six fights resulted in the suspension of ten children. Three of these children engaged in anti-social behavior when returning to school, proving that the suspension did not change their actions. If suspension is not an effective solution, what is?  My teacher used a pro-active resolution when I experienced bullying in elementary school that is similar to the actions that the Roots of Empathy teachers use.

            My situation can relate to the emotional bullying that many young girls experience in school through rumors and manipulation. My best friend Katie and I were inseparable in 1st and 2nd grade, but 3rd grade brought an ugly side out in us both. We were malicious, backstabbing and verbally abusive to one another.  We would try to make our other friends take sides and gang up on one another. Like most children in these situations, our friends did not know how to stand up against bullying or how to prevent being caught in the middle.  As Gordon noted, we were trying to make the other “feel alone and isolated” ( p. 171).  For three years, we had our good and bad days, but mostly days of bullying. Not until the sixth grade did it take one event to change our relationship permanently.  A “nasty note” written by an outside source caused my friend and me to engage in a quarrel exchanging mean, verbal comments. Our teacher overheard us and pulled us aside. For the first time, an adult took the time to listen, instead of brushing it off. Katie and I both learned that what we were doing was not only hurtful toward one another, but unkind toward all of our friends who were forced to be a part of spiteful actions.  Like the teachers in the Roots of Empathy, our 6th grade teacher shared her experiences of bullying and made us feel comfortable to express our feelings.  After many tears and apologies, we hugged and became inseparable once again. To this day, she is my best friend and will be my maid of honor for my upcoming wedding.

Having personally experienced bullying growing up, I feel that I can relate to the points Gordon is making in this book. I now can take the knowledge gained from that experience and the points that Gordon stressed and exercise helpful actions on the playground with the young children I supervise. Recently, I had the opportunity to take this new knowledge and help a situation with two girls that reminded me of Katie and me. I shared my experiences, like the teachers in Roots of Empathy, and allowed them time to express their feelings. I then talked to their group of friends and explained the importance of standing up against bullying and supporting one another in their time of need. Gordon stated that children often lack the skills to see from another person’s perspective and this skill is essential for pro-social behavior.  I additionally had the girls explain how they would feel if they were emotionally bullied, and it seemed as though they were able to reach a new understanding of one another.

Although bullying is increasing with “fifteen percent of school children being bullied” (p.172), bullies can be “unmade” with the proper steps. The current disciplinary actions of suspending or punishing the bullies are not effective. More schools and teachers need to model the Roots of Empathy program to prevent and stop bullying. Like Gordon stated, “Bullying is not a rite of passage; it is not a necessary part of growing up” (p. 174). Children do not need to experience the pain that Katie and I made for each other. This problem can be tackled by making victims and bullies comfortable to express their concerns and feelings. We need to take the necessary steps to not only stop these actions, but prevent them entirely.  As a yard duty teacher, I am aware it is my responsibility to make children feel safe to come to school. If I do not address this anti-social behavior, I know that I am condoning the actions of bullies and am turning a cold- shoulder to the victims who need it most.