"Don't Leave Me!"

Sheng wrote this entry, and
she's pictured here, as a child,
with her mom.

             In the seventh chapter of Mary Gordon’s Roots of Empathy, Gordon described secure attachment as “a baby with a secure attachment often protests when separated from the person he loves and is quickly comforted and reassured once they are together again” (p. 100). Gordon further stated that, “in the first two years, as attachment grows, so does the baby’s sense of security and confidence in being protected and comforted” (p. 102). After taking several child development classes and understanding more about the growth and relationships between children and their parents or caregivers, I agree with Gordon that once a baby is separated from the person he or she loves, he or she will object until they are reunited again. Although I agree, I do believe that attachment does not just happen during the infant stage, but also happens at any point of a child or person’s life when they feel that they need to be protected or loved again.

Although I noticed that this chapter is based on an infant’s early attachments with their parent or caregivers, memories from my later childhood flooded my mind. The 7-year-old me was a child who had secure attachment with my mother. However, the only difference is that I didn’t cry when I was hungry for food or give her signals when I felt scared or felt some discomfort. Yet, I also kept close to my mother, like a child who doesn’t trust the environment around her. Also, unlike the attachment described in Roots of Empathy where an infant builds her secure attachment with her caregivers or parents at the beginning of her life, I remember re-establishing my secure attachment at age 7.

            I was 7 when my parents divorced, and it was then that I remember becoming my mother’s shadow. I also remember following her to the grocery store, waiting for her when she went to the restroom, following her when she went to the garden in the backyard, following her to the farm, etc. During this period of time, I don’t recall playing much with my sisters as I had before age 7; prior, we had all played tag, Chinese jump rope and many other games. I also remember suddenly having to be near her so I could fall asleep. Not only did I have to sleep next to her, but my hand or arm had to be in some sort of contact with her.

Prior to reading this chapter, I had never thought about why this “attachment” behavior resurfaced at the age of 7. In fact, it continued until I was 11 or 12 years old. After reading, it seems to me that one explanation may involve the sudden separation of my parents, and the major changes I had experienced because of it. I remember always playing at home in a carefree way with my sisters and my dad before my parents separated. Even though I don’t remember my mom playing with my sisters and me as much as my father did, the most important thing for me was a secure family who would always be together. I knew my mom was away at work where she worked very hard, and every time she came home, she would give my sisters and me a warm bath and would cook for us. I was enjoying my childhood with the people I love, just like a child should. However, I had never thought of my parent’s separation and the effects it had on me. I didn’t want one of my parents to leave me because I wanted them together.

            Because of the separation of my parents, my hunger for closeness grew. Although I was already 7, I needed more proximity to my mother. As I said earlier, I couldn’t fall asleep without having her sleep next to me. I remember one time when I was separated from my mom for more than a week because she went to Wisconsin to visit my brother; I was left behind with my sisters,  and I had to have a shirt of my mom’s with me at all times. Her shirt was a comfort to me because I could smell her scent. It helped me to not miss her and cry because she wasn’t there with me. Although I hid some tears during the day, I remember silently crying myself to sleep every night.

Overall, I believe that attachment is very important in a child’s life and in a parent or caregiver’s life as well. I also believe that it is the start of a special relationship and it will blossom into wonderful memories and joys. However, even as happy and confident as a child can be, if their attachment relationships encounter major changes, they may feel insecure, unprotected, and deprived, which may cause them to need more physical proximity again in order to strengthen the attachment to their loved one. This could happen at any point in their life.