Is is Just Me, or Just My Temperament?

Rebecca, the author of this entry, is pictured here as a baby.
She was in a walker, and her mom said she was really happy
to be moving around!

            Ever experience a child in a store who is screaming and yelling? One begins to wonder, “What is making that child fuss so much?” I tend to turn it into a guessing game to figure out if the child is hungry, tired, upset, or spoiled. In a moment such as this, my sympathy spreads to the struggling parents. At the same time though, I feel as if these situations could be changed if they only knew how to respond more effectively to the child’s temperament.

            No matter the person, everyone is born with a different kind of temperament. I find this to be fascinating because it is another way to realize each and every single one of us is unique! I knew that the three categories for temperament involve high activity, low activity, or somewhere in between. I had no idea that temperament also reflects the areas of our activity level, intensity, sensitivity, first reactions, adaptability, mood, frustration, persistence, distractibility, our rhythms and regularity. Reading about the differences helped me pinpoint what kind of temperament I have. I am different, and it is all right to be different. I feel the world tries to get individuals to conform into what it wants us to be, instead of allowing us to be ourselves.

Reading about the Roots of Empathy program brings up feelings of jealousy for me. I wish someone taught me the way Gordon describes temperament traits in babies to other children. This program is providing deep understanding of human behavior, and at the same time, teaching the children who they are as well. I never had that. Even as an adult, I am struggling to allow myself to just be me. I definitely sympathized with one boy who learned about the low activity aspect of temperament. Learning about his temperament made him begin to realize that he should not be labeled lazy. He began to understand that he simply did not need to physically do much to stimulate himself. I understand this because I myself am a laid back type of person, yet I feel guilty if I am not doing something. I know I am easily distracted, which makes it tough to remain focused on my homework. I know how important homework is, and I easily beat myself up for failing to focus on it. If I am an adult who is still continuing to punish myself, I can only imagine how easy it must be for children to beat themselves up for who they are. 

            I can understand how parents create this perfect image in their head of their future children. Gordon describes how we have been desensitized to the truth of the way babies honestly act. We have become used to the fairy tale baby: one who is perfect, quiet, giggly, and down- right cute. Reality does not work this way. I have babysat for a family that has four children. Their ages are four, six, eight, and ten. There are two boys and two girls. Each child has his or her own way of thinking, creating, having conversations, and ways of getting into trouble. Their mom would always talk to me about her oldest boy, and how difficult he has been for both their father and her. The son does not listen to their advice, disobeys and learns from the consequences. Her other children are each obviously different, but she also has her own separate struggles with them as well. She often blames herself for her oldest child with feelings that she has failed in raising him to be a certain way. Even though the mom imagined her children differently, they are who they are. She must find a way to adapt herself to her children’s temperaments. Having to conform to each other takes work and perseverance. It is not easy, but all of the people involved will learn more about each other, and grow closer together.

            I find that the same reactions happen quite a bit with parents who have children with special needs. Never did parents fully prepare themselves for the possibilities of having a child who was born with a unique condition. I am currently tutoring a 9 year old boy, who has autism. His mom has talked to me about how difficult and tiring it can be when the boy is stuck in a mind-rut. Looking beyond the condition, I can tell that they all love each other. They have been doing all that they can to help their boy learn and grow just like any other child. He has ideas, a vivid imagination, and loves to have fun! He has his own temperament, and it has been interesting having to adapt to his way of thinking.

            Overall, the key to understanding one another is communication and accepting others as they are. If we cannot describe how we are truly feeling, then it will be difficult for others to understand what is going on. If we cannot understand how others feel, there is a loss of empathy for the other person. I have learned that everyone wants to be heard and to be understood, including myself! Building relationships is necessary to survive in this world. It is good to adapt to others as well as knowing how your own temperament works. Embrace who you are, and have fun with it!